doo da doo da doo

I’m rushing home yesterday at around 3pm.  I have a rolling suitcase behind me, cute and sensible pumps on my feet and 20 minutes to get to my son on time.  I race throught the smokers area outside my building.  A homeless man is on the ramp on am on.. on my left – I pass by him.  i smile.  Not at him – just toward him.  I think of how much he resembles my dad – curly hair, beard, slight frame….  I send him love from my heart.

I do not say anything to him.  I am in a hurry.  I regret it for a second.  Sebastian.  I gotta get to him.  I rush on.

I see my car in the parking lot.  I rush to it.  Say hello and thank you to my two guys who take care of me.  They always have my car up front just in case I get a call from the daycare center.  I love these two guys.

I get in my car.  I’m about to pull forward and there is the homeless guy.  in front of my car.  not looking at me in the eye.  Not saying anything.  He stands there.

He kicks the front of my car.  Angry.  Upset.  Kicks it again.  Doesn’t look at me – although he is clearly angry with me.  i did something I think.  The parking guy steers him away and tells me to go.   I shrug my shoulders.  He twirls his index finger around his ear.  I drive off and start sobbing.  Seriously sobbing.  I should have said hi to him.  I shouldn’t have hurried past.  I should have acknowledged him.  i caused that.  I am a bad person.

I cry until the 280 freeway.  Right before the on-ramp I make an illegal left turn into the flower mart.  I park for a moment.

Wait a minute.  Do I seriously blame myself for what just happened?  I do!  My desire to be perfect and friendly and loving even applies to a moment on the street just walking by a stranger.

It was a huge lesson to me in awareness.  Not the lesson maybe that you are thinking of.

Awareness.  Things happen around us every moment of every day.  It impacts what we think, how we behave and what actions we take.  I am constantly under the misconception that I am master and controller of the universe and that my kindness will solved everything.

A huge wow for me as a human.

I write down little events that happen to me everyday.  As do this so I have things to talk about when I give speeches.  i realize it is deeper than that.  The little things that happen to us impact what we think about.  What we think about becomes our actions.  Mindfulness and awareness around events will lead us closer to whatever goal we think we have set for ourselves.

I say ‘we think’ we have set for ourselves as the realy goals are the ones that we are repeating in our head everyday based simply on what has happened around us.  Our communication style and perspective comes from these tiny moments and thus we change our way of dealing with things everyday.
neato.

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