What does a person do with a 12-year old nephew from Austin Texas? About a year ago, before the baby was born, we invited Brett here for the summer. His dance card fairly full with other relatives, we were able to negotiate a week of fun with this fast talking preteen.
He was only here for about 10-minutes when I let my husband know that we are not going to give him back. He has more energy and pep than 3 of the most hyper people I know meshed together. The first morning I woke up to the sound fo someone sweeping- this kid got up early and did some “chores” around the house without anyone asking. I let him know I would be responsible for showing hm the slacker side of life for the rest of his San Francisco vacation.
We take him to Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. He has never seen the ocean and has only ridden on one rollercoaster. (two now) The ride down highway one was filled with questions and more laughter.
Kids will try just about anything. There is this concession sign that sells Deep Fried Twinkies… you did not read that wrong. Deep Fried Twinkies. Deep Fried Oreos… you name it. You remember Twinkies… they are that food we loved as kids… the food that is spray painted brown on the bottom so it appears the cake was baked.
I convinved Brett to try it. The pink faced boy behind the counter let us know the Deep Fried Twinkie is actually at the top of the food pyramid.
With much trepidation, he took the first bite. The look on his face was one of pure enjoyment and elation. I sampled a piece and truly folks, I could not believe how yummy it was. It is like the best yellow butter cake ever created. i was only allowed one bite so I can not elaborate.
Okay, so in this scenario it was really easy to break one of my cardinal rules “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” As I walked around the boardwalk after sampling the decadence of 100% trans fat and no nutritional value, I actively started looking for what I liked.
The foundation of my communcations training is for folks to watch for what they like in oher beings. It causes our cellular memory to retain the positive and it causes others to feel more open to us. This practice also lightens our mood and makes our communications pathways more open. Remember, I am a verbal communications coach.. I fail miserably in writing.
I realized that I was not following my own creed… as I walked around the noise and the rides I was not watching for what I liked. Once I began this process, once I stopped judging the twinkie by its cover, I saw some incredible relationships. Families. Friends. People.
It is a beautiful world out there.
Being a parent (apparent) is a difficult thing to describe. My friend Corey, Willa’s dad, did a great job of it yesterday.
There is this room in your head, you see. It is a room you have known about your entire life. You see the room, saunter by the room… it is always there.
Until you are a parent, you do not have the key to the room. YOu have never been inside.
There are stunning revelations in that room. A feeling that is so difficult to explain or describe.
Today, Sebastian James Law learned how to feed himself. Not bad for an 8-month old with a control freak for a mom.
NOW YOU SAY CONTROL FREAK WHO!!!!!
At each feeding experience, I gently place a bib around Sebastian and patiently feed the Organic Strained Peas or Turkey Vegetable (it is really Apples with a hint of Turkey and Vegetable) into the little boysâ€™ mouth. I deftly avoid his grasp as he tries to take the spoon.
You see, he will get very messy if I let him grab the spoon. To avoid all of that funk, it is just easier if I just do it for him. To keep him happy and engaged, I just give him another spoon to play with while he waits for me to shovel the ground up yummies into the airplane hangar.
Today, he wasn’t having it. He wanted ALL the spoons… all the baby food jars… he did not want mom involved at all. So I gave him all the materials and just let him have at it. If mud bathes are good for the skin- I am certain baby food bathes must be a positive experience. He fed himself, went straight to the bath and dad hosed out the kitchen.
Today, As the Chief Executive Mom of my training company, I keep my eyes wide open for learning opportunities in both my professional and personal life. I suppose today’s lesson is about facilitation. Sometimes the best advice is to just get out of the way and watch the organic growth that can occur with out a shadow. kibitzing along.
Now the question is how to I convince an 8-month old that, as cute as sticking his little tongue out when he is excited is, when he falls down and goes boom… it is really going to REALLY hurt.
Lat night at 4am, my son woke with quite a howl. We had taken him to the doctor yesterday with a steadily climbing fever of 102.4. As a new mom, of course I was completely calm and composed.
The tests they did on him, I will not discuss them here as I hurt thinking about it, indicated he had some sort of infection, possibly of the kidney. They convinced us that antibiotics were the only key and an ultrasound next week will help decide if it is a genetic abnormality.
So he gets this ridiculously painful shot of antibods… we waited 30 minutes before taking him home… and they told us to give him more antibods before he goes to sleep.
Well, I get this ‘mom’ thing. I call the advice nurse and tell her I am not comfortable double dosing him.. he is only 8 months old. She gets a doctor to agree that I can wait until morning to see if he gets a rash.
4am- Hello major rash. More Kaiser. More tests. Sleep and see. This morning. More Kaiser. More tests. We are still in wait and see mode.
So much of what I teach is about trusting intuition. A bad allergic reaction can cause some serious effects… I am so thankful I listened to my gut. We still don’t know for sure what is going on- though they seem confidence everything is now fine.
The point of my story, I have a new client who is running for office for the first time. He is a dedicated public servant who has given so much time and energy to the public good. When I take on a candidate, I force myself to do a little investigation to make sure I am aligned with a good deal of the beliefs and qualities of the person I am training.
Our first meeting was going to be today. With everything going on, I had to cancel the session last minute. Keep in mind, this candidate has an important situation coming up and needed me today. With th stress in a campaign, he has every right to be a bit miffed at my backing out.
What does he do? He picks up the phone and calls me to make sure my son is okay. He says he heard in my message the regret I had for missing and he wanted to make sure I knew it was no big deal and that I was doing the right thing. Please don’t worry about me or this- we will see each other soon.
I know everything I need to know about this candidate now. I do not need to know anything else about you, Mr. Candidate. You got my vote.
The world is my communication science lab.
This will be a very boring blog today – I’d stop reading here if I were you. Basically, I am not at liberty to share the details of my experience due to a confidentiality agreement I have. I sat here tonight and tried to think of creative ways to present the experience today with out leaking Mr. Sanders secret recipe. It is an important lesson in here.. I just am unsure how to present it,
Having failed, I will say this:
If you are lucky enough in you life, to have a person tell you that you have hurt their feelings, think of the following ideas before you respond. Now, I say “lucky enough” because a person who tells you that their feelings are hurt is basically saying to you that they care enough about the relationship to navigate some discomfort with you. This is a gift.
If someone tells you their feelings are hurt, here is a surefire list of things that will destroy the relationship:
1) Tell them they are being defensive. The moment we accuse a person of being defensive, they really have no choice but to stop talking. We accuse people of defensiveness to take the heat off of ourselves. When we sense someone is “defensive” we can ask questions to help them navigate out of that place. There is not a human on the planet who will be less defensive when we accuse them of being so.
2) Accuse them of something else. “You are seeing this in a negative view,” or “you are too sensitive” or “No one else feels this way” When we do this, we basically are telling them that not only do their feelings not matter- they do not matter.
3) Ignore them. This is a good one. Just pretend you didn’t hear it or get the e-mail. This is a very powerful statement of ‘you don’t matter to me.’
4) Talk about the situation with out them in the room. Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is so healthy. (Said as sarcastically as I can muster.) The moment we discuss a situation with out the person in the room, with a few other people, we become fanatics for our ‘side’. That is the side of ‘what the hell is wrong with you, there is no reason for you to feel upset.’ Get 3 people in a room talking about something and forget ever trying to change their collective mind. To add even more power to this idea, tell the person the next time you are all together that all you did when they were gone was talk about this issue. “I called Joe when I heard about it.” (Not, I care enough to call YOU and see if you are okay.)
5) Remain silent. If you have privately let them know you agree with them, do not say anything when the group is together. If you do say something, totally water it down so it doesn’t really seem like you agree. This helps the group feel the person is a lunatic – and makes teams so much stronger. The person will likely forget you ever agreed with them so don’t worry about it.
6) Never, ever say you are sorry. It is their problem and it is your job to convince them it is their problem. If someone has their feelings hurt, do not express concern or sadness that you may have inadvertently hurt their feelings, instead, do your best to drive your agenda and make sure they know they are wrong. This is super good for relationships and will earn you the National Medal of I Wasn’t Wrong. Wear it proudly.
7) Raise your voice. or. Soften your voice and tell the person you are afraid to say anything because you might hurt their feelings again. This will make the person feel safe and loving toward you. Don’t worry, it isn’t transparent at all.
OK. So I sound like a pissy bitch. Here is a better program for improving relationships through communication. When conflict happens, it is the time for us to create the foundation for future trust.
If someone tells you their feelings are hurt:
1) Be sorry. Truly and emotionally. Even if you have NO IDEA what you did, at least, if you care about the person, feel sorry that they are hurt. Express this. Often this is enough for the person to feel safe again. They at least know you care. “The last thing I wanted to do is make you feel bad. What can I do?”
2) Ask them to explain to you what happen. Listen with out agenda. Do not talk over them. Let them talk. Often folks will end their talk with.. you know it wasn’t that big a deal. We have ALL felt hurt. When we felt hurt, yes, sometimes we are reactionary and seeing things out of perspective. It doesn’t help us when someone points that out. If ya really care about the person, take the risk that they can convince you that you were an ass and maybe you are not perfect. Take the risk that they are right.
3) Let them be right. I have learned this recently. In the middle of a conversation lately, I just said to a group of people, okay, you must be right. Who cares if they are right. Why is this so important. ?
4) Listen for where you made a mistake. Actually quest for this knowledge. This can only make you a better person, to know when you are being a butt. Why we are so afraid of this, I do not know. (I am guilty for it)
5) If you are in a group, do not allow people to process without the person present. You will be a hero if you just stand up for anyone who is not in the room.
6) Speak their side. Truly try to see things from their perspective.
Relationships are fragile. Think of what is going on in our world right now. Times are tough, wars are going on, people do not trust …. why add to it by having to be so damn right all the time.