I’m rushing home yesterday at around 3pm.  I have a rolling suitcase behind me, cute and sensible pumps on my feet and 20 minutes to get to my son on time.  I race throught the smokers area outside my building.  A homeless man is on the ramp on am on.. on my left - I pass by him.  i smile.  Not at him - just toward him.  I think of how much he resembles my dad - curly hair, beard, slight frame….  I send him love from my heart.

I do not say anything to him.  I am in a hurry.  I regret it for a second.  Sebastian.  I gotta get to him.  I rush on.

I see my car in the parking lot.  I rush to it.  Say hello and thank you to my two guys who take care of me.  They always have my car up front just in case I get a call from the daycare center.  I love these two guys.

I get in my car.  I’m about to pull forward and there is the homeless guy.  in front of my car.  not looking at me in the eye.  Not saying anything.  He stands there.

He kicks the front of my car.  Angry.  Upset.  Kicks it again.  Doesn’t look at me - although he is clearly angry with me.  i did something I think.  The parking guy steers him away and tells me to go.   I shrug my shoulders.  He twirls his index finger around his ear.  I drive off and start sobbing.  Seriously sobbing.  I should have said hi to him.  I shouldn’t have hurried past.  I should have acknowledged him.  i caused that.  I am a bad person.

I cry until the 280 freeway.  Right before the on-ramp I make an illegal left turn into the flower mart.  I park for a moment.

Wait a minute.  Do I seriously blame myself for what just happened?  I do!  My desire to be perfect and friendly and loving even applies to a moment on the street just walking by a stranger.

It was a huge lesson to me in awareness.  Not the lesson maybe that you are thinking of.

Awareness.  Things happen around us every moment of every day.  It impacts what we think, how we behave and what actions we take.  I am constantly under the misconception that I am master and controller of the universe and that my kindness will solved everything.

A huge wow for me as a human.

I write down little events that happen to me everyday.  As do this so I have things to talk about when I give speeches.  i realize it is deeper than that.  The little things that happen to us impact what we think about.  What we think about becomes our actions.  Mindfulness and awareness around events will lead us closer to whatever goal we think we have set for ourselves.

I say ‘we think’ we have set for ourselves as the realy goals are the ones that we are repeating in our head everyday based simply on what has happened around us.  Our communication style and perspective comes from these tiny moments and thus we change our way of dealing with things everyday.
neato.

My friend Rick Sapio sent this to me.  I like it.

RESPONSIBILITY

I’m sitting at the gate getting ready to board a Southwest flight to New Mexico.  My son is having a high energy morning and I have a ton of stuff on my plate.  Multi-tasking I am on a phone call and on my computer at the same time - trying to help my son eat his breakfast.  I look at my watch and it is takeoff time.  Huh?

I realize I an in the wrong gate.  Same place.. different time.  I’m on the phone with my sister who had just said to me “Darling, you need to stop trying to be so perfect all the time.”  She says being a great mom means not being perfect.

I rush to the gate.  They are about to close it.  The guy gives me one of those looks.  My bags are not zipped - I rushed over there.   The man IN the plane gives me a worse look and starts announcing over the PA in a really frustrated tone “We have a mother here who is a late arrival.  Who will give up their seat so she can sit with her son.”  he is not saying it in a nice way.

Everyone is looking at me with hate.  I’m going to make the plane late.  No one moves.  He offers free drink tickets.  No one moves.  My son runs down the aisle.  My luggage won’t fit in the overhead compartment.

It is a horrible moment for someone who likes being perfect.  I started to turn around to get off the plane as no one was budging.  Finally a woman stood up and gave me her seat.  She was very sweet to do so.

I sat at my seat and bawled my eyes out turned toward the window.  What a great lesson in imperfection.

As the plane took off the pilot said we were 7 minutes ahead of schedule.  HEY.

The thing that kept going through my mind was the flight attendant yelling to the gate guy “YOU owe me for this one.. you OWE me for this one.”  Ignoring me.  Acting like I wasn’t even there with all my bags and my scrambling son.  It was a little inhuman.

He warmed up later and I was still bugged by it.   It is amazing how much time we waste in lack of forgiveness.  That is what the drug companies need to create a pill for.

Forgiveness.

See earlier post for Gathering of the Titans.

 It get’s better.  A buddy from Gathering of Titans just sent me an e-mail with the title “That’s how I roll….”   in reference to this post.  That is really funny if you were there as there is a Scottish meaning… heh heh.. 

The story I told about my son gets better.  Deeper.  More meaningful.  The day after my friend Chuck walked Sebastian around the grounds turning over logs, he took me aside and thanked me for the experience.  He said Sebastian reminded him to start being curious.. to turn over logs.   He said this with such depth - my words are POOR in recreating them here.  He said it was transformational.

I started to cry.  Started to say something.  I couldn’t.  

The next day, Chuck picked Sebastian up and walked to the front of the lecture hall and told the entire room the story.  My knees were shaking and I was crying.  Watching my little boy playing with a musical instrument while this man teared up.  I looked at the room.  Beautiful faces watched and listened to him.  That room became family to me and my son in just a few days. 

What is amazing about that story is what I was thinking when Chuck asked if he could take Sebastian for a walk.  I was thinking at that moment “Is my son going to be okay.  As a single mom.. is he going to have enough male influence….”   Yes.  He will. 

 It gets better.  At that lunch table while Sebastian was going on his nature hike Sir John told me tales of his amazing mom who was a pilot in the 20’s.  (1920 my dears.. wow) and how he was Sebastian.  He went places with her.  He made me cry several times as I listened to his tales.

As I got up to go catch up with Sebastian, he said “I love that you do not helicopter your son.”  Huh?  What?  “You don’t hover over him.”

I chuckled to myself.  Well, I kinda do.  I try not to.  I still do sometimes.

That night Sir John spoke to our group.  He told of the loss of his two year old daughter in a car accident.  I’m in the back bawling my eyes out.  Just then, Jennifer text messages me that she is taking Sebastian in the car to the aquarium. 

Oh no!  Car.  I run out the door and stop her. Sir John’s story is a sign.. I gotta stop them!!!!

 When I burst in the door of the room.. I run over to hug my two-year old.  He reaches up.. hugs me.. and hands me……

I swear to you….

a toy helicopter.

He says, “Here mommy, you can keep this.”

He really enjoyed the aquarium and I TRULY enjoyed the rest of Sir JOhn’s talk.

Such beauty in the world when we pay attention y’all.  These stories happen everyday when we pay attention.  This blog is so I remember them.  It really isn’t for you.  (sorry)

Yesterday, someone close to me called me a liar.  They had heard me tell the same story differently and they were sure I was just making things up.  It hurts.  (They couldn’t tell me how I told it differently or what was different about it though.  Hmmm.)

They said, “I don’t believe you” about 5 times.  Then started rapid firing questions:  Did you really collect 3 times the industry average? (Yeah.  The industry average at that time was 9.9% and we collected 32.2% - and that was a moment in time.  Not everyday and not every client.  Sometimes we didn’t.  The truth of the matter is - being nice collected more assets.  Period. )   Did you really speak in front of the legislature- you sometimes call it a meeting and sometimes call it a speech:  (Yeah.  Sometimes I really sucked at it too.  I had clothing malfuntions a handful of times too.  I was wearing a red dress - I wore it a lot.  I used to call it a suit and realized it was actually a coat dress.  I sometimes worked on bills I am embarassed to admit now. )    I could go on.  I won’t.

I am a liar.  My memory remembers things differently than they happened when I relieve them.  So does yours.  Each time I relive a story another detail creeps in.  Sometimes my stories amalgamate and I am really unclear what came first the chicken or the egg.

They all happened.  That is for sure.

We microscope each other in this world.  We pick each other apart and search for ways not to trust and love.  We do it constantly and I am just plain sick of it.  When we lose confidence we look outside ourselves to BLAME or externalize what is happening for us and find a scapegoat.  I do it too.  It is a waste of time.

What if EVERY human on the planet chose to BUILD and improve rather than blame.

Build not blame

build not blame

What if we started trusting each other.  Not looking for ways we are bad.  In that room in Boston I felt so much love and caring.  When I got on the plane I felt myself starting to mistrust it .. build an exoskeleton around it. 

NO!  That is not going to happen.  Not here.

The story I just told you - the 70 folks in the room might remember it a little differently.  (Christina there were 72 people in the room.)  (They weren’t logs he was rolling over they were branches.)  (There was no Sir before his name.) (they were going to the movies not the Aquarium.)  blah blah blah.

The liar accusation has impacted my writing.  I fear writing something that isn’t exactly right so I am stifled.  Professionalism.  If I can just do it perfect than I will not be attacked.  This is killing us in our culture.  Fear ridicule mistrust fear.

Attack me.  This is my perspective and my life.  I see the world through a pair of glasses that paint things beautiful.  It is my reality. 

My son got a tick from rolling down the hill.  If it turns into Lyme’s disease couldn’t my earlier post be clear evidence that my memory of that day was wrong?  No.

 I am worried.  I am worried to develop a tough exoskeleton that will protect me from the world.  I don’t need one. 

I can tell a great story - I’m hoping after the attack I still can cuz this one is told in such a vanilla way I’m not even sure you got the depth of how amazing it was. 

Sigh.

I have a new sign I wear on my forehead-

If you need me to be perfect - I am not the person for you. 

I’m okay with that.

I am in Boston for Gathering of the Titans - an entrepreneurial program not focused on monetary profits. Every speaker is talking about significance and the Renaissance we are in - no more self-indulgent biz decisions.

What I love that has happened in just the last 24 hours

My son is here. We were rolling in the grass. When is the last time you did that? Today, go outside to a grassy hill and lay down at the top and roll down. The first 2 times we did this I controlled my descent. The 3rd time I really let go. Run outside and do this right now. I haven’t done this is years.. really allowed the momentum of gravity and my body. my son yelled from the top of the hill READY SET GO… when I reach the bottom he runs top speed… trips at the end and falls into my arms. One of the best 15 minutes of my life. Pat, my friend here who has 8 kids, comes outside and rolls down the hill with me. One of those brilliant moments that happen when we aren’t worried about getting our clothes dirty.

A guy here tells me I probably have ticks from the grass. Whoops. I spent 11 seconds worrying about it and then decided it was worth it.  Ticks need to eat too.
My buddy Jason just read my post over my shoulder.. I’m supposed to be listening to the speaker.  Gotta sign off now.

Ps- The other thing I LOVED so far here is Chuck.  Chuck took Sebastian for a walk and showed him how to turn logs over he could find ants.  It was precious.

Humans are so cool.

If you are ever in Austin Texas you gotta check out GoDance!  An incredible dance studio!

I have traveled across the world teaching about the relationship economy we are in.  We have been in it for about 4-5 years and it is expanding.  I have worked with political campaigns begging them to see the rabid desire in our nation for REAL.. for TRANSPARENCY.. for depth messaging rather than political messaging.

Withholding tax returns until right before  a major state must be some sort of brilliant political strategy I can’t figure out.  I just simply cannot believe that the campaign waited so long to release the information.  You notice I say campaign instead of the candidate.  I still stand firmly in the position the candidate is brilliant and can be trusted.  Clearly the candidate is taking on some old school political wisdom that maybe would have worked in 1950.. although the candidate would not even be  considered then.

Equivocation.  We all do it.  C’mon.  It is common.  I am surprised that one candidate is equivocating a bit on views they have had for years.  Seems the opposite of how this candidate has behaved in the past.  This candidate delivered a speech that had transparency and the nation loved it.  Please do not slip back into messaging and perfection.  We just don’t like it.

Changing a mind is exactly what a politician should do if after receiving new information they realized their perspective is off.  Changing a mind is a great thing - call it that.  Explain it as that.  Be that.  The American people understand perspective - look at what has happened over the past decade.  We get it.  Be clear on it and explain WHY the change.

I do miss Huckabee.  Not because I would have voted for him or agree with any of his politics.  We are about as opposite as we can be in our beliefs.  I do miss his straight talk - if the candidates now would practice his style of speaking the American people would back then.

I’m here in Austin Texas.  A fabulous place with a “Kool Kuts for Kids” - my son’s first hair cut ever.  Firetruck chairs, sports car chairs, legos, thomas the choo hoo train, dora… this place is awesome to distract a youngster long enough to get his hair cut.  NONE of their schemes and toys were working for my son tho.  There was NO WAY my son was going to let this woman up a blue cape on him or spray his hair.  No way.  Goldfish crackers didn’t work, apple juice didnt, Dora didn’t.. he just wasn’t having it.

I tried begging pleading bargaining - all that stuff.  Then I handed him a squirt bottle and said “Hey, squirt mommy.”

Suddenly I was in Flashdance.  He laughed and squirted and we cut his hair.  He could see in the mirror the woman cutting his hair and each time she messed whit him he squirted me.  I ended up soaked.

Good thing though as the water hid the tears on my face as I realized my little boy is grown up.  All grown up.

Transparency is a good thing.  Direct facts and mirrors all around.  Campaigns need to figure this one out.